Reflecting, Deflecting, Conflicting

Up and down, up and down. One day, I feel great, riding high. The next day I'm low, and seriously bummed out. I usually just shrug my shoulders and write it off to the fact that I'm 40 now - as though everyone is expected to crack in places once that milestone is hit. All things considered, I'd really rather just be happy and helpful all of the time, instead of feeling like I'm destined to die alone in a houseful of people...

I'm working on some new things lately. I'm writing a "book" for my Eldest Daughter. Sort of a memoir, containing info from my childhood, and through high school, and how I ended up meeting her mom, and how she came into the world. I'm hoping it will shed some light on who I am, how I'm wired, and why I made decisions the way I did as she grew up. I've been working on it for a few weeks now. It doesn't really have much structure, in the traditional sense of a book. It's more a long, free-association letter than anything, I suppose. I'm going to send it to her on her 21st birthday, which will be in a couple months.

My next project will be to rework and adapt a play that a friend of mine wrote so that it can be filmed instead of produced as a live play. I found a new piece of writing software called Celtx that is supposed to be good for managing books/screenplays/scripts, etc. I'm hoping (as usual) that it will help me finish projects mo' bettuh.

It's been unexpectedly difficult to revisit the decisions I made in high school, and just after. I'm so torn. How can I wish I could go back and do it differently when doing so would undo my kids? I can't imagine life without them - so I'd have to do it all over again the same way, step by bloody step. It's depressing!

So I'm going to stop thinking about it.

Not sure why I feel fine rambling about personal stuff in this particular venue (rather than my blog, or my own private journal). Probably because I know no one is likely to read this. By the time I get this site in any shape to actively drive people here, this particular post will be long gone from the front page. I guess coming here and seeing that it's been so long since I've done something new here is also depressing. So I pulled up a new blog post and started typing. As is my custom.

I guess I'll get some sleep, regroup, and hit it again tomorrow.

Dave